For the past 3 months I have been going over our relationship in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. Crazy it may seem—but I just can’t grasp how 2 weeks after an amazing Valentines you decided to end it. Now that’s not the point of this note. Just a glimpse inside my state of mind, when I received your most recent text.
“I’m sorry I hurt you” it read—“I miss our times together, It might not make sence to revisit, but they were great times anyway”
Well —I am glad that you had a chance to clear your conscience. I guess you feel better about the mess that you created now that you have offered an apology.
Apology accepted. But know that while I have forgiven, I will NEVER forget. You will forever live in my head as the wonderful but tragic guy that only thought of himself.
Sorry is for accidents—but this wasn’t an accident. You knew damn well what you were doing but you didn’t care. Because as a long as you are only thinking about yourself, you don’t care who gets hurt along the way.
You followed up with—“I was listening to J Cole ‘Power Trip’ and It reminded me of you singing”
Glad that a song reminded you of me. Unfortunately I have a permanent reminder of you. I wake up every single day praying to feel like myself again because I haven’t been the same since we broke up.
I want to go about my life and not have a reminder of you in everything I do. Hell I cooked Fettuccine Alfredo the other night and got emotional. I couldn’t help but remember that was your favorite dish of mine. I feel like I’ve been sprayed by a skunk and have no way of ridding myself of your stench.
You know it would be a lot easier if you were a cheating bastard, or you abused me or something crazy. Because then I could hate you—and I could remind myself each time you crossed my mind that staying with you could have cost me my health or my life. But unfortunately that’s not the case—you were a nice guy; selfish, but nice.
And for all the times that I am spewing venom—angry at that way things ended up. I can’t help but still love you. The truth is I’m angry because of that and the fact that I miss you.
I miss ordering Thaitation and listening to your “self development” books on tape instead of music before going out. I miss that weird dance you did when you had to pee, and how you use to pull me in so tight at night when we would cuddle. I miss your “Pannies” as I called them, in human speak—your cinnamon & chia pancakes. I miss watching soccer on Saturdays, and our occasional visits to the gym. I miss talking to you about spirituality, success and life in general.
I think my favorite moment with you was when we went to DC to visit my family. That Saturday night we went into the city to Meet Jess & Leo for dinner. You got so drunk that night—but you were the cutest and sweetest and I remember thinking at that moment, “God I love him”
The thing is we got each other. We were both a bit quirky, and a little bit “off” as you described. But that’s what made you perfect—you got my weirdness like no one else. You didn’t mind my multiple characters— whether I was the leopard, or a snail.
I miss you calling me at lunch, and your obsession with healthy and natural things. BJ Wang? Good Belly Probiotics? Charles Poliquin vitamins? Equinox? Topical Magnesium? Chia Seeds? All these things wouldn’t have such a distinct memory and a place in my life if it weren’t for you.
So while I’d really like to hate you, I can’t help but love you. You showed me that I am worthy, deserving and capable of dating a really, really, good guy. So thank you. Hopefully now I will steer clear of the jerks in addition to the sweet & nice, but selfish guys.
I was hoping for a lifetime assignment with you but I guess God had other plans. So If I don’t see you again, I guess I’ll see you next lifetime (Erika Badu voice).. Until then it was nice knowing you.